


I Don't Want To Feel Like This

by CuteBobs



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 23:08:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7457353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuteBobs/pseuds/CuteBobs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin confesses to Maki, who doesn't feel good about this and talks to friends to figure out why</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Want To Feel Like This

“So, what's going on, Rin?” Maki twirled her hair. Making her meet outside before homeroom… They'd probably be late. That included Hanayo, who was hiding behind a tree to watch them, not that Maki would exactly call it hiding. Maki would have to come up with an excuse for their teacher; Rin couldn't really afford to get in trouble.

“M-Maki! I, I…” Rin gathered her courage thanks the cheering Hanayo. “I, I really like you! Please go out with me!”

Maki's finger stopped twirling. “Ueeeeh?” A confession? Why, where did this come from? She hadn't noticed any signs that Rin felt that way. Maki's stomach dropped, cold sweat formed. She wasn't about throw up, was she? No, not quite. Why did her own feelings also have to make no sense to her? Maki definitely couldn't say yes, but she didn't dislike Rin or anything. It really had nothing to do with Rin. Probably. Conscious of her frown, Maki tried to keep a neutral face.

Rin, on the other hand, vibrated waiting for the answer. Apparently she hadn't noticed Maki's unfortunate reaction.

Maki sighed. She only had one way to reply. “Sorry, but I can't give you my answer right now. Please let me think about it.”

“I, I thought you'd say that. Of course! Take your time!” Rin nodded frantically, then jumped into Hanayo's arms.

“There, there,” Hanayo said, patting Rin's head. Ever kind, Hanayo smiled at Maki. “I think we should go back now.”

Maki followed the two girls at a distance. Examining her feelings would definitely end up distracting her from today's lessons.

 

“Sorry, Rin, could I borrow Hanayo for a bit?” Maki asked during lunch break. It was hard to talk to Rin like normal with all these thoughts swirling around Maki's head, so she'd had to psych herself up for a few minutes first.

Rin's eyebrows raised. “Sure, go ahead.”

Maki kind of roughly grabbed Hanayo's arm and pulled her along. Hanayo didn't complain or offer any other kind of resistance. She had to know this talk would be about the confession. They stopped in a quiet corner, where Maki sighed for the 17th time today.

“Sorry. Hanayo, I… have a problem.”

“What is it?” Hanayo's worried expression stung.

“Well… Rin is cute and I like her and all, but… When someone like that confesses to you, you should be happy, right?”

Hanayo tilted her head. “Yeah? Rin is super cute!”

“But when she did, I suddenly felt really sick for some reason.”

“Oh no! Should I take you to the nurse's office?”

“No, no. It was like…” Maki's fingers reached for one of her locks. “I saw the weight of her feelings and I was… scared of getting crushed.”

“I, I didn't know you felt like this,” Hanayo said, lowering her gaze.

“Neither did I. I had never really thought about things like love and relationships and all that. Maybe I…” Maki smiled self-conciously. “Maybe I'm not used to people liking me? This is the first time I have real friends, and so many of them, too. Maybe it'll improve if I just go ahead and date Rin?”

Hanayo fidgeted. “Um. I'm sorry I'm not of much help. You should ask Nozomi. She's good with stuff like that.”

“Oh god, no, not Nozomi. I think… I'll ask Eli. Thanks, Hanayo.” Maki's expression softened. “I'm really glad we're friends.”

Hanayo beamed so much it blinded Maki. “Ehehe, me too.”

 

After awkward practice, Maki tried to get Eli's attention without raising anyone else's suspicions. Unfortunately, there was no way Nozomi or Nico or one of the others wouldn't notice, so she quickly gave up and straight up asked, “Eli, can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure.” She giggled. “Is this going to be a confession?”

Maki's defeated face, against her will, caught everyone's interest. “N-no.”

“O-oh, okay.” She turned to the others. “Give us a moment.” Nozomi, Nico, and Umi shot them curious looks. Rin and Hanayo exchanged glances. Honoka and Kotori seemed more concerned about their next performance. When only two tall figures were left on the roof, Eli apologized. “I shouldn't have joked about this in front of the others. That was pointless and mean. Please, go ahead.”

“Th-this is not a confession, but it's kind of related to that.”

“Oooh.” Did Eli look disappointed? As if she didn't have enough admirers.

“Well. S-someone confessed to me and… She's really cute and I like her, but… When she did I suddenly felt nauseated.”

“Huh?” Eli nodded. “That's unusual.”

“This is not how you're supposed to feel, right? I should be happy about this, right? But it's like…” Maki took a deep breath. She had trouble putting all of this into words. Didn't help that she had misgivings about looking bad in front of Eli. Something about her made Maki want to look like an adult. “Like, I imagined what it would be like to date her and it felt like I'd stop being my own person. Even if we did the same things we're doing now as friends, somehow there's all this pressure.”

“What kind of pressure?”

“I don't know… To care about this person and think and worry about her all the time and go on dates and do your best for her. And everyone else knows how important this person is to you, so it'd be weird to hold back.”

“That's a pretty negative take on it.” Eli stared at the horizon for a moment. “So it's not that you aren't into girls?”

Maki thought back to last evening, when she'd secretly, enthusiastically _admired_ the gravure shots in the idol magazine Nico had pushed on her. “…That's not it.”

Eli tried to hide her smirk at Maki's reaction. “And you don't think it's about this girl in particular?”

“I, I don't know. I've never been in love with anyone and I tried to imagine dating someone else, but that wasn't any better.” Namely, all of µ's and even a classmate or two. It was awkward. “Maybe I should just do it and hope for the best.”

Eli poked Maki's forehead. “Don't do that! Ri– Your friend deserves better than some halfhearted attempt to play girlfriend!”

Frowning, Maki rubbed the soon-to-be bruise. How did Eli know? Had everyone but Maki noticed? Eli was right, though. “Yeah, I guess. I just… Is there something wrong with me? I keep returning to this thought and I just don't know.”

“There is nothing wrong with you,” Eli said, patting Maki's head. “You're fine as you are. Everyone is different, right?” Maki nodded reluctantly. “Maybe you're scared of getting hurt?”

She hated to admit it, but there was something to it. “…Who isn't.”

“I mean, maybe you're so used to defending your feelings that you've walled off the most vulnerable ones. You do get embarrassed so easily.”

Maki wanted to beat up the blush that was about to prove Eli's point. She groaned. “This sucks. What am I supposed to do now?”

Eli laid her arm around Maki and slowly led her to the door. “I guess talking to your friends about this was a good first step. With time you can probably learn to let yourself be vulnerable. If you'll fall in love then, nobody can tell. But I think you'll be happier either way.” Eli giggled nervously. “Sorry, I'm not actually an expert. You should talk to Nozomi. I feel like she had something similar going on.”

“Thanks, Eli. You've been a big help.” Maki ignored the part about Nozomi. Somehow she wasn't surprised. Their similarities might have had something to do with Maki's unwillingness to ask her about this.

“Figured out what to do?”

Maki pulled out her phone and selected Rin's number. “Yeah, I think so.”

 

“Sorry, Rin, I can't reciprocate your feelings at the moment. I understand if you want to avoid me now.”

Rin shook her head. Together with the breeze it messed up her hair in the cutest way. “Thanks, Maki. I expected as much, but I thought I'd give it a try, you know?” Hanayo jumped out from behind the tree and Rin fell into her arms to cry her heart out. Maki cursed under her breath.

“It's okay, Rin. We'll still all be friends,” Hanayo said.

Despite knowing, or assuming, this was the kindest thing to do, Maki felt like a monster. She liked Rin best when she smiled. “Hanayo, could you tell Rin about what we were talking about? I'm going home.”

“Um, sure! See you tomorrow!”

Hanayo and Rin, her head still in Hanayo's chest, waved goodbye. Maki took the first real breath of the day. Now, time to sit down in her room and unclutter her mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Wherein Maki is the self-insert. I'm so sorry, Maki, Rin. 
> 
> Another cathartic fanfic that felt really good to write. Not sure if I should tag it aromantic? Kind of? Maybe? Who even knows


End file.
